I haven't been posting because I have been stressed.

-Looking at colleges.
-Rehearsing for our school play.
-Receiving a scholarship for an ACT prep class.
-Realizing that I always miss out on opportunities for significant others.
-Hating that it's been 11 months since whoopie, and the last whoopie was the grossest whoopie I've ever had.
-Being busy every single day minus one for the past two months.
-Hating that the community aspect to Xanga means commenting back.
-Losing all of my writing creativity.
-Losing my interest in exercising.
-Daily growing more and more upset with the skin I'm in.
-Actively considering lowering my food intake.
-Completely regretting my lack of buying vegetables.
-Hating trying to find the money to support multiple addictions (Safe ones: coffee/smoothie drinks/clothing/video games)
-Getting the worst haircut that I've gotten in two years.
-Deciding that I really don't like my face.
-Trying to fall back in love with my face.
-Hating the fight it is to find good, sexy clothing.

I've been reading a lot of posts only because I get them sent to my email, which I can conveniently read from my phone. So I know you're there. I know what's going on. Sorry for being so boring.

This is just filling. I'm not coming back to Xanga as strongly as I began. Until then, just the occasional filler update.

So sorry that I haven't been blogging much, if you were worried or disappointed that I haven't been doing so.

I got back into shopping and am recently obsessed with Urban Outfitters. I'm going to go poor because of this thing. I keep on looking and relooking over things. I have found one good thing about shopping online. If you're poor and you really want stuff... You sit there and look at it all over and over again... After looking at something for long enough and getting over the initial reaction of, "that's so interesting," then you can fully make a conscious decision on whether or not something that you are going to buy is worth the purchase. Urban Outfitters is really expensive so that's kind of important. My list has been changing and all the math is going funny. At first, I had a pricetag somewhere around 300, then it went down to 200, and now it's back up to around 400, which I figured out to be after a tax-rate of 7.5% and a shipping fee of ten dollars. It's because I've already planned out what I want to order in each shipment, as well as how much each shipment will cost. So that's 4 shipments, 2 months... And a whole lot of waiting. I should probably stop looking at it all. Just so I don't flip out over something new. But when you're bored...

Actually, the school play's rehearsal schedule has finally begun. I have something to do for a change that can occupy my time. I've recently, for class, studied up on a guy named Stanislavski. If you're familiar with acting terminology, he was the one who created the system known as "method acting." I'd like to be able to use some of his ideas and techniques on this play, which would be the first time that I really put a lot more of myself into it than usual. The system takes a lot of extra curricular time. You have to try to figure out a character's history, or assume one for it. You have to be able to convey an emotion for the character that actually fits the line and makes the character more real. Acting is no easy-peasy lemon-squeezy. It takes a lot of extra work, and a little bit of talent in order to get it to work out. I don't think I'm too incredibly gifted naturally, and it's a bittersweet aspect to consider just how technical I get on things. Bittersweet in the sense that being technical includes being over-analytical... But in that analyzing, I'm actually spending time on it. I actually care about this stuff. I always worry about whether or not I did something well. The only reason why I'd stand out amond my peers is because that I've had a little practice and can work with that energy and confidence... But by no means am I spectacular yet. That's not to say that I won't be. ;)

And finally, concerning the title to this post. Spontaneous Combustion. That is the name of our school's improvisational acting troupe, and I'm not really sure if I've written anything on it before. The actually difficult part about improvisational acting (improv) is that you have no idea where you'll be when the scene starts and you have no idea what you'll say. Improv is meant to be an actor's tool. It is something to teach an actor about action, reaction, creativity, and energy. With the basic's of acting, it teaches you how to be an actor when you actually know what is going to happen. When you have a script, the goal of the actor is to make it appear that everything that is said is completely unfamiliar. Unfortunately, this is not easy, knowing that the easiest way to be completely memorized is to memorize everyone else's lines as well as your own. Nothing is a surprise to the actor, and without appearing fake, the actor must re-live each scene multiple times as if they've never happened before. Improv will improve this naturalized movement and sound. But really, I have digressed. What I really wanted to talk about was the performance that we had tonight. It was truly spectacular. I never felt nervous about it once. I love how confident I have become. Without knowing what would happen, I worked everything through comfortably. I don't know if people thought I did well. I don't care. I thought I did well. I was proud of how I didn't feel surprised at all by anything.

My favorite game that we played: Dating game. Basic rules: 3 bachelors, each a famous celebrity or quirky person must answer three questions by a contestant. At the end, if all goes well, the contestant will pick a bachelor while also naming off the celebrity or quirk of the three people. My quirk was OCD. I quickly came up with a whole character. It was so natural and easy to me. I fidgeted with my hands the whole time, between my knees. I looked really uncomfortable in the face. I just sat there, playing with my hands and using my shoulders tensely to convey supreme discomfort. I also talked kind of short and terrified, but had this sort of tone to my speech that was very short of patience. It was sarcastic and rude. It was awesome. I would go through all the lines, but I can't seem to remember them, and I just realized that it would take a lot of time to type out the whole scene, because a lot was said between questions too. Otherwise, just believe me that I probably did it really well, because as soon as I walked off-stage, it was actually challenging for me to come out of the character, because of how well I sunk into it. I was still rubbing my hands together nervously... And I kind of wanted to be rude, except that I was borderline terrified of how I couldn't just hop out of the character.

Even though that's technically a good thing.

I've been feeling a lot gayer than normal recently,

in the sense that I've been talking a lot more with my ex (no go there, will never go there again). It's extremely comfortable to get a text from him saying that there was a lot of cute guys around. That and actually having a guy friend. That and this strange feeling that something in the air is going to fall on me and suddenly, I'll be making out behind some building and hiding hickeys.

It just feels like things are changing. I'm getting this weird feeling of being slightly lifted, slightly tilted forward, just a corner's turn away from some new exciting piece of life.

My next big and most frustrating turn is telling my stepmom that I likey the men. The real kicker is that all of her best friends from new york are gay. Why can I not just come out to her? I've been debating how I should do it. I know, myself that my biggest fear of it all is being completely open with my dad. I never realize just how hard it is to make it clear what you're feeling about something that is so taboo. Just yesterday, my ex calls me on his new number and I didn't recognize it. Nothing of it, until much later on when my dad only asks me who was calling to hang out. I said it was just some kid named Michael. I didn't say anything else that would reveal or keep anything clear, but just this baby of a kicker of a conversation made me go short of breath and nervous. Short, quick gasps. There I am having a baby of a kicker of an anxiety attack. The worst part about those is trying to hide them just so you don't have to explain why you had them in the first place. Luckily, my dad's the no questions kind of person and is really bad with observation.

That's it. That's my last obstacle. Being totally honest with my dad, in order to be completely honest with my stepmom. These conversations suck. They suck more than anything. They suck more than getting grounded. They suck more than being sick. I'd rather throw up than have to go through with telling my dad that I'm not the little boy he always wanted. No matter how much he hopes or prays to his friend in the sky, I could not change, and will not change for him.

So I still can't decide whether or not I should just tell her individually or tell both of them at once. My dad has had the idea... But weird conversations happened and basically I'm going to have to come out to him again anyway. Not to mention, that lately, his only objection to anything is that it's gay. That's all he can think about my skinny jeans, and all he can say about my performance in the musical into the woods. He gets proud of me when I go to church, even though I'm a non-believer and a trip to church is more like a trip to a trek-convention than a trip to glory. People saying all these weird and odd thing about being in the belly of an alien. That's kind of how I see the idea of god. He's supposed to be all encompassing, and beyond human... So he's like an alien that has swallowed us, or we're like his fingernails, killed off one hang-nail at a time.

Tell her then him or tell him and her simultaneously?

Seriously, I'm alone in a room with my stepmom, and thoughts in my head are like yelling, screaming, shouting, and ESP is my next weird fear: "I'M GAY! I LIKE MEN! SEE ME FOR ME!" uggggg.